And the Frost Took Up the Eyes

It's been a bit dreary here in Hawaii. In addition, my summer break is coming to an end. I have from tomorrow until next April to finish up my degree and continue my life in another place, at another school, and with a different set of people. I have had a great summer break and have been able to hang out with the most amazing people! I have learned so much from them and can only hope that our friendships will continue through this upcoming school year. I jumped off a rock yesterday - pretty radical on my part yet exhilarating - I'll probably be jumping off of more things more often. I had a great day at church today - I went to two meetings (my own and Rachel's) and I love that even though I listened to the same lessons, I had completely different thoughts, feelings, and impressions. Two things really struck me today as I was listening in the meetings. The first was the idea of God being in everything around me and how I am able to appreciate his presence in my everyday life. I believe that He is everywhere and in everything and, most importantly, that I can choose to see Him. Sometimes I get so consumed by the trivialities of my life and burdened by my trials that I choose not to see Him and decide to look for the bad, the ugly, and the unfortunate. Yet when I decide to move past my problems and outside of myself then I suddenly see Him again and feel guilty for overlooking Him. The Gospel Doctrine teacher then asked us how we know that there is a God and I really thought about my answer to this question. Of course, I know there is a God from reading the Book of Mormon and other scripture, attending church, and building a testimony of His love for me but how do I know. I know that there is a God because of the people around me. I believe that God answers our prayers and frequently uses the people in our lives to do so. Whether it be a new friend, a best friend, or just a kind smile from a stranger, I know that there are angels in my life. I can feel the love that God has for me through the people He has so purposefully put in my life.

The second idea that struck me today was the recognition of the freedom that comes from obedience. I know that a lot of times the rules the Church has for its members appear to be restrictive, but I know that they make me freer than the rules I would have set for myself if I did not have these inspired guidelines. I have seen how obedience has blessed me and given me so many opportunities to progress in my life. I also know that by obeying God I hand my life and trust over to the being who knows and can see all. I know that He can see much further than I can and I believe that as I do what is requested of me that I will be blessed with the ability to make the best decisions for me according to my own desires and those that God has for me as well. This Gospel never ceases to teach me something new and I believe in it with all my heart because I can feel the truth of it within my heart. I thought that I knew happiness before but even that small sliver of what I thought was joy is nothing compared to the delight that I feel in my heart each day I grow closer to Christ and God. While I was in church today I was filled with such a spirit that I needed to write it down so that I could refer back to it when my days are particularly tough and I need to remember that pure happiness can be achieved on this earth in this life. I wrote, "Remember how happy you are now. Never forget that your heart is so full of joy, hope, and the spirit that you feel like your heart is buzzing - it's electrifying! You feel o.k. You know that things will be alright as you stay close to your Heavenly Father. Remember that pure happiness can be achieved in this life and that it can happen to you. I want to be worthy of happiness and joy."

I love this Gospel and my life. I know that I am loved by those here with me and I aspire to show them the same love and compassion they offer me every single day. 

Calgary - Bon Iver

Michicant - Bon Iver

Perth - Bon Iver 

My Beloved, You Are the Lover of My Impossible Soul

My life is great. Sometimes I definitely feel myself going down the spiral of inadequacy and grief but I must remind myself that it does not need to happen. It's strange because I can always feel it when it begins. My face suddenly feels heavy and my eyes only want to open halfway and avoid contact with the million other eyes I come across. My mind seems to fill up with unnecessary thought and worry - it's downright oppressive. But there are so many things for me to be grateful for and I dare not list them because everyone would be insanely jealous at the epic-ness which fills Hannah Abigail Brammer's life; heck, sometimes I envy the girl especially when I'm feeling the way I do now. Needless to say, my life is great and I thank God everyday that He has trusted me with the blessings that are apart of every moment of every day.

Impossible Soul - Sufjan Stevens

My Lovely, What Am I Supposed to Do?

The past two days have been....boring? Maybe? Just a little bit? I have been on summer break for the past two weeks which means no school and no work. I guess that I did not realize how much of my life revolved around waking up, going to class, going to work, going to the library, and then going to sleep. Needless to say there has been a lot of time spent watching Netflix and researching new recipes. But for the last little bit I will probably focus on studying for the GRE, regaining my Spanish skills, and reading. I have been going to the gym to try to catch up on the time that I could not go during the semester and have been recently inspired to pick up a juice fast. I am a bit hesitant since- you know- I love food. I also love juice and it will be expensive but I have decided that a healthy body will always be an investment, so I don't feel too bad. Lately I have been taking a culinary walk-about by trying new healthy recipes and, so far, it's going super well! Rachel and I made healthy enchiladas last night (the secrets: whole wheat tortillas and low-fat Mexican cheese) and these great no-bake energy bites chock full of oats, honey (which could be subbed with agave), and peanut butter. All in all it was a delicious night that was accompanied by the movie "This Means War" which was not bad!


What I was listening to:

This Time Tomorrow-The Kinks The Darjeeling Limited
Strangers - The Kinks The Darjeeling Limited
Powerman -The Kinks The Darjeeling Limited
Memorial (traditional) - Narlia Village Troubadour The Darjeeling Limited
Where Do You Go To My Lovely - Peter Sarstedt The Darjeeling Limited

The Merciful, The Mercy, and Me

And so it begins....again. I'm going to skip the whole "I-haven't-written-in-this-in-so-long-and-this-is-what-has-happened-in-the-past-seven-months" jargon and will begin from today. Today was Sunday and I love the the Sabbath day. We are expected to keep it reverent and sacred by putting aside weekly things and focusing on the Gospel, God, Christ, and all things that encompass the amazing Mormon faith. I love the lessons I learn from church every Sunday and they always seem to be about the things that I need to understand the most; this Sunday was no different. The talk that the high councilmen went over was President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's "The Merciful Obtain Mercy" in which he utters the now-famous phrase, "stop it". He urges all of us to stop gossiping, envying, wallowing, harboring ill feelings, being distrustful and to focus on being forgiving, merciful, kind, and charitable to everyone, including ourselves. This talk puts so much into perspective for me and I enjoy revisiting it. It makes me realize that we truly are all beggars (Mosiah 4:19) meaning that we all clamor after the same mercy and forgiveness and that we should not put ourselves above others because the same God watches all of us and our actions. I want to focus on being more charitable and exuding the pure love of Christ that so many others offer me. I am continually grateful to be a part of the Church and to be aware of the truth of the restored Gospel on this earth. I can't even begin to express how much it has changed me from the foundation up and the hope it gives me for the future.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk - http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/the-merciful-obtain-mercy

Gracias for the bagels and football.

I have already failed! But, I have an excuse. I can't get plugged into wifi on my laptop so I've been limited to updating when I'm on campus and on a school computer.
This weekend has been spectacular. Thanksgiving was a blast; I made it to three different dinners. I was surrounded by new friends and people who have become my family; I loved it. On Friday, I went to the library, finished a paper in less time than I expected and then was picked up by my aunty and her family to go to the Kahuku Red Raiders football game. I have never seen so much community spirit behind a high school team before in my life. It was amazing to see the support that everyone had for those boys on the field. I was honored to be a part of it and to experience what it means to be a "Red Raider for Life". I took pictures but strangely they were all deleted so I'll figure out how to get videos up here. I have been loving my time in Hawaii and everyday I wake up I know that I made the right choice to come out here. Also, I got an AMAZING box of stuff from my family today - protein bars, TIME magazine, and bagels! I loved it. I spoke to my oldest sister yesterday and she told me about her plan to write a children's book series; she asked me to be her editor. I am so excited to be given this opportunity to work with her and I know that we will learn a lot through the process. I am grateful for my family and for the person they have helped me to become.

Hawaii: A Reemergence of Passion

After a lot of time, thinking, more time, and pondering I have decided to start blogging, again. This always happens to me. I begin a journal, I leave it. I find it in a corner underneath my bed, re-read the posts, laugh a little and think "why did I ever stop?" I know why I stopped. Too little time and too little to talk about. It is not that interesting things do not happen during my day but the quickness in which they leave my memory. I need to be more grateful for the many beautiful things around me. But, here I am again. Almost a full year - to the date - from my last blog entry. I am trying a couple of things differently this time. 1) I will commit to this. 2) I will buy a camera so that my not-so-boring days can be captured in another type of memory besides my own. 3) I will write in this, dare I say it, every day! Mormons are notorious for their journal-keeping and scrapbooking. I am terrible at scrapbooking and less than adequate at journal-keeping and I will try my best. Truly, this reemergence of blogging passion has come after I realized how big this blogosphere is especially with people in my Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We have been urged by the leaders of the Church to prepare ourselves for the digital age and to bring the Gospel along with us. Mormons, or Latter-day Saints, are making quite a public comeback lately; new commercials, presidential candidates, movies, and the sort. We are coming upon a new era in which members of the Church can maintain and display their individuality while promoting the Church and the values that they, myself, and almost 3 million other people consider our faith. Although we are spread throughout the world, we 3 million strong are bracing ourselves for a new frontier. We may not be trekking across the plains but we are travailing through a new world and we are doing it together.
I am a Mormon, a Latter-day Saint. I believe in God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. I read the Book of Mormon and can testify of its truth. I also read the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Doctrine & Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price and find them just as important. I find comfort in knowing that I am a daughter of God and that we are all of his children trying to get through this mortal existence as best as we can. I believe in an eternity with the ones I love from the past, present, and the future. I know that true doctrine is still given today. I love the Lord and I love this Gospel. http://mormon.org/people/

Minimal.

It's winter in Utah.
Cold, bitter, harsh, and... cold.
I leave for New York in a few days and, for the past few days, I have been reflecting about the past semester. It was full of new experiences, people, and places. Strange pairs and perfect couples. A new house which turned into a familiar home rather quickly. Family came to visit making us remember how calm Home a home can be. Trips have been planned and journeys were embarked upon.
All in all, this has been an interesting semester and I'm sad to see it leave yet excited to see what the next one has to offer. I find that I long for a future in which I am liberated from obligations and limitations; my heart jumps just thinking about where a path like mine can lead. Where it will take me, who I will meet, what I will do. The possibilities can either be endless or definitive and it is up to me to strive for the best.

Now It's Done, Watch It Go, You've Changed Some.

I was re-reading my earlier posts and saw that at the end of the last one I was contemplating the conclusion of my last few weeks at school and what it was in store for me. Now, x-amounts of months later, I am writing on a laptop in my beloved Plaza dorms. Yes, I am back in Salt Lake City for summer session and, to the contrary, I am rather pleased. Being back home was a bit difficult and while I was there, I discovered that my life in Salt Lake City is my own. This is my own life in which I can act upon my prerogatives. I can cultivate the life that I have always wanted to lead and my only obstacle is myself. Just as such-and-such president of this checkered nation proclaimed, a persons true obstacle to obtaining anything they want in their lives is themselves; our self-set parameters are our biggest enemies. The irony that the person who wants the most out of their own life is stopped and convinced by themselves to expect the worst.
I have heard that Salt Lake City is a pretty cool place to be during the summer. The hipsters emerge from their flannel caverns and beckon amazing bands to come play for them...for free. Starting this July I will begin a musical journey, a musical epic, that begins with Modest Mouse and includes Beirut, Matisyahu, and Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, ending effortlessly with She & Him, all for free. I am dying! I can't believe that they will all be here, so close, and so....free! I remember getting upset while I was back in New York because I saw that I missed Modest Mouse down at Terminal Five or around there but was immediately quelled when I checked the Twilight Concert Series line-up. Absolutely beautiful. There are some other hip things going on throughout and around Salt Lake City, some festivals, the occasional art exhibit, and farmers markets where college students are taunted by the succulent fresh fruit yet turned off by the responsibility of having said succulent fruit slowly disintegrate in mini-fridges. It is no longer what can we not afford to do but it is now what can we do. period? Luckily, I got a job and have been very happy with it. I plan to work my hardest and am genuinely looking forward to financing my prospective travels for the next two years. Hawaii is luring me in quickly and surely, as well as Spain. Both are amazing places filled to the brim with history and unique cultures that a girl from Larchmont cannot help but to be tantalized by the idea of experiencing other areas from the world that are so vastly different from, well, Larchmont.
A man once said, "Do not tell me what a man has done but tell me where he has travelled." and I agree. Do not tell me what you want to be, instead, tell me what you have seen that has made you into the person you have decided to become.

Sifa?...take a step back, yah?

I haven't posted in a while probably because nothing outstanding has happened lately (except that Ayesha's mother, grandfather, and baby brother, Ezias came to visit and it was great!). Tamia left for home today and will be in the wonderful state of Hawaii until Sunday; we miss her!
I'm currently researching some things like investments and stocks just out of interest. I have always been intrigued by business, the stock market, and bonds. I think that learning the basics of these things is essential in our world especially if you want to advance in a timely manner.
It's Valentines day this weekend and we have a couple of events planned. Facials on Saturday, dinner on Sunday,...and maybe the library?
This week has gone by fairly quickly and that is always good but it's just showing that this semester may go by unusually fast. From one aspect, it is a good thing but from another, it just means that I have a whole lot of important decisions to make in an overwhelmingly short amount of time. Am I moving into an apartment next semester? Where will I end up this summer? Will I not be seeing my family until next December? Too much with too little time.

Pass The Saltines On The Left-Hand Side

Today is my Dad's birthday and I believe that it was the first one that I've missed since...well forever. My Dad and I have a pretty cool relationship because I was his first baby; I say that because my older sister, Alex, was a child when he married my mom but when I was adopted I was the first baby he had to take care of.
It's selfish but I really dig that idea because I'm never the oldest, I'm either the middle or the youngest so I'm never "the first". Therefore, on his birthday today I would like him to know that he did a pretty good job on his first baby. I'm not in jail, I'm in school, and I'm alive, right! If that is not success then I don't know what is!
Besides that my day was pretty normal. Classes, lunch with friends, studying, and preparing for another six weeks of winter. (or so we think, I've never really payed attention to the groundhog)I've been setting goals up for myself to change and have been trying hard to act upon them throughout my day. Change is necessary and progress cannot be made if I'm static and stubborn in my ways.
Hopefully I can keep up with my undulating persona without getting nauseous.

You Just Can't "Try" IT!

Tonight, the girls and I decided to watch IT, the movie adaption of the Stephen King book about a clown who kills and eats children. It was a strange movie to randomly put in on a Monday night but Ayesha wanted to "try" again after being too terrified to finish watching it almost two years ago. I, personally, have heard that IT is one of the most terrifying movies so naturally I have tried avoiding it; almost like how I tried avoiding revelations and did pretty well until it was required reading for AP English Lit last year. All in all it wasn't even that scary; I believe that I have become weirdly desensitized to horror movies while I've been out here and I really do not know why. Those types of movies would affect me terribly when I was back at home and I expected it to be like that forever but I guess that I am not as easily scared anymore. I don't know how to explain it. Apparently, IT can be anything; your worst nightmare, your dead father, a werewolf but the only way you combat it is by believing. It had a really perverse Peter Pan complex to the whole thing and I am glad that I've grown up.
Growing up has been a goal of mine since I was a child. The last twelve years have been so painfully obligatory for me that it frustrated me to all ends. I realized that when I was a child, I would pick topics out of my Children's Encyclopedia and write essays on them just to prepare myself for the strain of education. I would make bills for myself to pay because I knew that that was what adults had to do and I did not want to waste anytime not preparing; I constantly have that fear of being unprepared and out of time. But, as I have gotten older I have seen myself become more hesitant in my actions, almost more cautionary from too much preparation, and that has made me miss out on experiences I know that I would love to look back on when I have grown up.
Therefore, I refuse to waste anymore time. There is too much that I need to do before I truly cannot do it anymore.
I cannot and will not waste my youth.

3 Games of Glow in the Dark Capture the Flag and a Blessing

Sunday is always an interesting day out here with LDSBC. I have always associated Sundays with my mother hassling me to wake up, an hour in sacrament meeting with my family, an hour in class with kids ranging from the 8th to 12th grades, and an hour with girls I've known since I was 8. Here it is completely different. I wake up by myself infused with an urge to go to church for those three hours and get as much as I can out of it. I walk to church with my friends and for the following hours I am surrounded by my classmates. It is almost like another school day, the same faces, the same spirit felt by everyone, it is truly peculiar. But, I guess that we really are a peculiar people.
My experience out here has been unpredictable and impeccable. Through most of my education I have been the only Mormon in my school (but at one time there were 2 of us) but now I am one of almost 1,500. I go to school with the same people, I worship with the same people, and it is nice because the friendships made through one social venue are easily transferred into the other. This is unlike anything I have ever been through and I have always wanted to be a part of it.
About 25 of us played glow in the dark capture the flag tonight on school grounds and it was extremely fun. I love games where strategy is involved; I believe that it heightens emotions and the bonding between teammates because your plan is more than just to win but it is to protect the others around you, as well. A great friend of mine, Rosario, got very sick again and asked for a blessing from a few of the young men. We do not know exactly what is wrong with her except that it seems to re-surface itself whenever she is stressed. A blessing for the sick is something the men offer to bless those who are suffering to bring comfort and an ease to their pain. It is extraordinary to be in the room while a blessing is taking place because one can feel the spirit and the stories that come from the sick are truly incredible. I have heard of people who are given weeks to live leaving the hospital the day after a blessing with no trace of ailment throughout their whole body. I have seen people, like Rosario and Mia, in the utmost physical pain be given a blessing and walking out the hospital with a sense of comfort. It is remarkable.
I know that this faith is remarkable as well and makes people become better for I have seen it in myself.

Yeahhh, Bro,

It's 2:15 in the morning and we just got back from taking Mia to the hospital for stomach pains. Nothing was wrong just simple pain but the camaraderie that came from it was comforting. I feel that the members of the LDS can always get their "stuff" together when it's necessary and from that, one can feel a true and pure friendship. I felt that tonight and I'm sure that the others did.
The LDS Intermountain Hospital was the last place where I thought that I would make better friends, but once again I underestimated the affect of anything on everything.

You Can Only See My Eyes and My Teeth

So, this is a new venture; a blog. I feel like I have to think of something clever or innovative to make this interesting but it's not coming to me right now. But first, introductions. I am going to the LDS Business College in SLC, UT right now and I love it. I'm black but have been adopted into an all white family since I was a baby. I love to read, listen to music, hang out with friends etc. Maybe this will help me keep up on my journals or something productive but I don't know.

So my day went a bit like this:

I woke up at the last minute before my 8:50 class because the girls and I (the girls being - Ayesha, Lulu, and Mia) went dancing last night until about 1. I woke up with a fatigue hangover and the mundane urge for a bagel and cream cheese which I've become accustomed to since I've been out here. I picked one up on my way to accounting. Accounting is an interesting class; I'm one of eight girls. It constantly smells of axe and old spice with an overwhelming air of testosterone that I am not used to so early in the morning. Next, I headed down to the computer lab and made progress in my art history project. The project is going along well all I have to do is match terms to certain works of art of my choice, hopefully it goes well.

I had lunch with a few of my friends in the cafe. We spoke of dreams, sleepwalkers, and Mexicans who laugh in their sleep. Then, I headed to art history where the conversation revolved around the Greek nudes artists and audiences alike have come to revered. It has been said that the Greeks had a longing to find the perfect human form and realized that it did not exist in the natural world, therefore they resorted to stone and the Golden Mean. The Greeks believed that their bodies were a temple and that by showing it in its purest form, they can portray their standards. Some think that these statues were pornographic images for the rich but it is exactly the opposite. These Greek nudes show that we should strive for perfection and nothing less.

I believe that I am a quiet perfectionist; I strive for it and frankly, I do get upset when I don't achieve it but I dare not portray that to others around me for it tends to come out in other ways. I work harder, I get anxious, and I lose touch with what is important. I really have to work on this aspect of my life.

After school, I took a nap, cleaned my room, and am currently in Ayesha and Mia's room with Lulu (who is my roommate) these are our Friday nights and I love it.

Maybe I can use this blog to be perfectly honest and blunt with myself, maybe that can be my innovative thing - we'll see.

"Ready? Von, Thoo, Free"